I guess I would be called Puerto Rican because of where I was born and American again because I ws born on American soil. I look to most all like a Rastafarian but am not. People see the dreads and my skin color and make their assumptions. My daughter is a brown skinned princess (24) my granddaughter is very fair skinned and most people ask is she mixed? As if it matters. Yes, she has a bloodline that transverses the atlantic at different times. My ex looked like Pocahontas but is Puerto Rican like myself. My son looks like the new face of American slightly rounded tip of nose and a healthy tan. He has issues with race. He tells his friends he is Hawaiian. His mother is of Scandinavian descent. He is making his choices at 13. I taught him about his lineage and that is part of his background does not define him as a person. I told him if you add 1 ounce of chocolate to  15 ounces milk you have chocolate milk and if you add 15 ounces of milk to 1 ounces of chocolate you have chocolate milk. My culture by definition is mixed African, indigenous Indian/Native American and Spanish….I am reminded in the town I live in about my color…my fiance (in my flickr pix) is very fair skinned and 5′ 4" I am 6’1" we were pulled over in my pick up truck for no other reason than my color and hair. The officer stared at her hard..may be thinking  what is a nice white girl like doing with him..we are both PR I am 46 and she 41…we have known each other for 27 years, (long story) He "let me off" with a warning. I was pissed and she wanted to take a shower…One mile from my house in the mountains of NY Race to me equals the Spanish word Raices which means roots…where we are born but not who we are….my ex-girl came up from Florida to stay with and we went to Rockefeller plaza to see the tree…coming back on the train a white officer comes into the train and looks hard at her son…he is young 19. 6′ 3″and had a starter shirt on….the officer put his hand on his gun and Maria ran to the boy and shielded his body with hers willing to take a bullet for her son. I had my camera and a London fog trench coat he looked at me and I at him. I didn’t move because I did not want to be in the morning paper as another dead black/Puerto Rican man..I was prepared to yell I am on the job to stop the officer if he drew the gun and than explain, this a good kid tall but a kid from Florida…we walked away from that one…reminded why I don’t like the city and only guns for hunting deer. sorry for ranting

Nothing Just Happens

Nothing Just Happens

Bishop T.D. Jakes – Woman, Thou Art Loosed Conference 2001

“Three women – Naomi, who is the older woman, and Ruth, who was her daughter-in-law, and Orpah, who was her other daughter-in-law. Three women who’s commonality was pain. Pain is a strange company keeper. It brings the oddest people together. There is a secret fraternity that exists amongst those who have been in pain that is mind-boggling. It transcends the color of your skin. It transcends your background. When you have been through certain things, you feel for other people who have been through those things, because you relate to them. I personally don’t like to have a whole lot to do with people who have not been through pain. It’s nothing against them, I’m not jealous of them, I just can’t relate to them. I can’t relate to them and I am sure that they will not be able to relate to me. The parts of me that I need to have known, that I need to have touched, that I need to have fellowship, are tied up not in the successes of my life, but in the struggles of my life. For God has done more through my struggles. He’s done more through my struggles then he’s ever done through my successes. And if you look carefully at my successes, my successes are made out of the ingredients of my struggles. And you can never know my successes until you understand my struggles, because my struggles are the pathway that led me into my success. Are you hearing what I’m saying?

And so if you are going to have fellowship with somebody, you have to choose your friends and make sure that they have had something to die in their life. If you’ve never had anything to die in your life, you have the kind of optimism that is annoying. If you’ve never had anything to go wrong in your life, I don’t like to hear you preach, it aggravates me, it gets on my nerves because your preaching has not been balanced by failure. If you’ve never had anything to die in your life don’t counsel me, because you really don’t understand me because you don’t know why I am like I am until you’ve been where I’ve been. If you’ve never had anything to die in your life don’t sit there and tell me be a man, take it, don’t cry. You don’t know what I’m taking, you don’t know what I’m enduring, you don’t understand. Just because you read some books and took a psych class doesn’t mean that you are ready to deal with the issues of my life. There is something about going through death and loss and pain and misfortune and adversity. There is something about going through things that don’t seem fair to you. That once you go through them you need to make sense of the madness in your life since you can’t change what happened and you can’t alter what you’ve been through, at least you need to be able to think that there’s some greater good that’s going to come out of it.

It’s what they call bringing closure. To bring closure to it; to justify that I didn’t go through this kind of pain for nothing. I need to be able to feel like something good is going to come out of this. If I can’t do that then I feel like I’m a victim. I feel like I’ve been victimized and I forever feel sorry for myself and I’m not free to go on with my life, and I’m not safe to remarry again, and I’m not safe to get another job again, and I’m not safe in another church again, because I have unresolved issues out of my past; and I’m not ready to go forward with my life because I’m still tied up with where I came from. I need to know if I’m going to continue to worship God, I need to know that some demon didn’t get loose in my life and wreck my life. It’s not a mistake, it’s not an accident, God didn’t fall asleep on the job and the devil came in and wrecked the car. No, God never sleeps and he never slumbers. He’s in complete control and he knows where you are, and he knows how old you are, and he knows how much time you spent, and he knows what happened to you, and he knows who walked out and left you, and he knows who betrayed you, and he knows who molested you, and he knows who raped you, and he knows who rejected you, and he knows where you are in life, and he knows about your bills, and he knows about your degree, and he knows you dropped out of school, and he knows about what you didn’t get, and he knows about the health of your child, and he knows about the condition of your neighborhood. Understand that and tell yourself nothing just happens.

Life gets in the way of living and that won’t last.

Sometimes falling is good. It means you are going somewhere.
When the “whole” has fallen apart and you start to descend down that hole by the field and just can’t stop….you are going to land on your feet or in defeat but you will land.
When the intricacies of your psyche have left not being the person you might me.
Find the ear in your armor and mend, do not let the world see within you.
A tear is a hydrophilic version of a physiological tear. Don’t despair the pain will only last as long as you feed it. Grow strong and let go of what was already long gone. It lived within eating away at your bliss. Like that spiders kiss. Nothing just an exogenous visage of what has died within. Resurrect it and perfect for you have to love yourself and love show a difference to someone’s suffering, why not stop yours? If you know how to love yourself you loves other without waiting for them to love you first or back.
Who first told you they love you?
Who first told you were beautiful?
Who first said there is nothing holding you back?
That same person had the power to make you or break you.
Self-esteem comes from within but is usually learned from family and friends.
Being that they are human they sometimes fail us,
We wander looking for that which will satisfy our thirst.
First look within yourself find what it is your are “lacking, pour yourself a glass or take a piece.
Introspection hurts, sometimes we have to look in the mirror and say to that person you F’D! UP.
But I am giving us another chance because we are one till there is no more but the bones that hold up this body.
Do you remember when we left Eden?
The serpent kissed the apple hissed our farewell into this world.
Let us live in peace within.
When words are thrown at us like fish hooks tearing into our skin and trying to remove our soul as we walk away. A fire needs fuel and air to “live” do not be either to the person that is spewing “their” venom.
We give power away or exchange it for words/shelter for our bodies or our hearts.
The first person that broke our heart was the same person we wanted to make it whole by being there with us.

No I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you
You said we wouldn’t be apart
No, I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend
To not love me at all